Time to Get To Work - or - Suicide is just Plain Wrong

My mind is reeling as I begin the task of figuring out how I want to document and archive the ever-growing mass of information I have stored in that fragile container I refer to as my Favorites Folder.  I have things I want to start writing about now, but I am all the while trying to keep in mind my beloved father's lessons of making steady, well thought out decisions.  Lay out a plan.  Carry out that plan with integrity and honesty and intelligence.

I have, unfortunately, gone about much of my life despite having these most valuable lessons on decision making.  But I have always, I like to think, conducted myself with integrity.  And usually - okay, often - with intelligence. 

I wonder at how I have been gifted with the most incredible family and a great many other wondrous souls in my life, yet I have spent my life feeling achingly alone.  I have felt this way since a small child and it has never left me. 

I feel not-quite-so-alone when I encounter a soul who believes they just do not fit in this world.  That is me.  I try to always bear in mind the wondrous gift of life, yet my soul yearns for the time when this difficult ride will be over.  I try to keep in mind the heart-wrenching and hopeless pain a person must be in to commit suicide, but it angers me to think of what a selfish act suicide is if only because of the lifelong pain it causes loved ones.  How can one inflict such pain on others who are themselves on a difficult road?

Oh, HELL no.

Despite popular thought, I believe we are our brother's keeper.  We need each other physically and emotionally.  It is unendingly wrong to have so much while a brother is in need.  Suffering sucks.  Often times suffering could be aided by just the smallest morsel of civility. 

Really, life is the unspeakably coolest gift ever.  We all have opportunities to make it a truly fulfilling and active one - mentally and physically.  It has been a hard lesson to realize that my own happiness or misery is a direct cause of the thoughts I allow myself to have and the circumstances I did or did not act upon changing.  It is my sincerest wish to live this life as well as I can.  For whatever inkling of a contribution I am able to make in life, I hope that it is a genuinely good and decent one.

I now have a plan.  I have acknowledged that I must create my web presence with a carefully thought-out order, and create it's substance with integrity.  This is a presence which is being created solely for a physical manifestation that I somehow seem to need - it is a tool which I will create and use to keep my eye on the end result I wish to achieve that I call my life.

I shall be grateful for and maintain the strength of my physical body.  I shall savor and nourish my mind's desire for truth and knowledge.  I shall forever nurture and protect this unending curiousity that never gives this hyperactive brain a rest.  I shall remain in control of my self and mind, even when and especially during those rare times when I allow myself outside stimulation.  I shall not allow myself to forget a most concise and heartfelt statement from Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson ... When a man is pushed, tormented, defeated, he has a chance to learn something; he has been put on his wits; on his manhood; he has gained the facts; learned his ignorance; is cured of the insanity of conceit; has got moderation and real skill.

This life has been a wild ride.  Incredible acquaintances.  Incredulous circumstances.   Outrageous happiness.  Despairing sadness.

And all the while, I have not been capable of relieving myself of this tormented feeling of aloneness. 

Blah, blah blah.

Therefore, I shall...

Rock on.